Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
You're alright. .....I don't care what Robert says about you......
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- Thread starter Felineman
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You're alright. .....I don't care what Robert says about you......
machinist@large
Active member
:toetap05: :toetap05: :toetap05: :toetap05:
firemanjim
Just kartin' around....
Wait till Friday at lunch time. I'm sure I'll have a great joke..... (for you guys/kids that don't have a job, I'm referring to my bring home pay) ...... LoL
Felineman
Death by misfortune
NOPE best joke is my internet, paying 96 buck a month for dial up speeds. Hope they get the network upgraded soon.
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
OK-...So two guys go deer hunting. ....One accidentally shoots the other.
He gets on the cell phone to 911.....He's frantic and hysterical. ....OMG.....OMG....I just accidentally shot my buddy.......I think he's dead....Whadda I do.....Whadda I do.....?
911 Operator: "Calm down sir....first thing is .....we have to establish that he's actually dead...."
Reply on the line......."Bang.....Bang.................Ok- now what? "
He gets on the cell phone to 911.....He's frantic and hysterical. ....OMG.....OMG....I just accidentally shot my buddy.......I think he's dead....Whadda I do.....Whadda I do.....?
911 Operator: "Calm down sir....first thing is .....we have to establish that he's actually dead...."
Reply on the line......."Bang.....Bang.................Ok- now what? "
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
Joel Olsteen and Cris Rock were playing a charity golf tournament together.
On the second hole....Cris misses a 3' putt...."@#$$@#4- I missed!"
Joel says: "Cris- you really should whatch your language- HE's always listening. ...."
Two holes later-Cris misses another 3 1/2' putt...."@$#/^###77 $"-...I missed!!!!"
Joel now offers up: you know the Lord God is a loving and forgiving God- but he can also be a vengeful God.....and could very well smite you down if you continue with this profanity. .."
So the very next hole...Cris misses a four footer.... $##@#$$$:$:&^5"$@- I missed AGAIN!
Suddenly the skies drew datk.....and a thunderbolt from heaven flashed down........striking Joel Olsteen dead.......
Then a booming voice from above.....@#$##$#:- I MISSED!
On the second hole....Cris misses a 3' putt...."@#$$@#4- I missed!"
Joel says: "Cris- you really should whatch your language- HE's always listening. ...."
Two holes later-Cris misses another 3 1/2' putt...."@$#/^###77 $"-...I missed!!!!"
Joel now offers up: you know the Lord God is a loving and forgiving God- but he can also be a vengeful God.....and could very well smite you down if you continue with this profanity. .."
So the very next hole...Cris misses a four footer.... $##@#$$$:$:&^5"$@- I missed AGAIN!
Suddenly the skies drew datk.....and a thunderbolt from heaven flashed down........striking Joel Olsteen dead.......
Then a booming voice from above.....@#$##$#:- I MISSED!
Felineman
Death by misfortune
Nice I'm gonna post that in the church on sunday
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
What-- nobody else.....at least I have 5% to draw from. ....you guys must really be perverted.
I can do this for a while......
I can do this for a while......
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
So a traveling salesman's car breaks down in the boonies and he goes to the farm house to call for help.
On the way he meets the farmer and notices a 3 legged pig. He starts laughing. ......"Just what's so dadburn funny?"....asks the farmer. "Well- that pig...." Hold on there sonny-says the farmer. ....that's a very SPECIAL pig.....you don't know the story behind that pig........
The farmer continues. ......"One day I was plowing the back forty and the tractor flipped....pinning me under it.....I'd a surely died.....but that pig came and rooted me out.....
OH- Is that how he lost his leg? -queried the salesman.
"No-" continued the farmer. ..."But another time the barn caught fire and that pig not only rooted out an escape hole for the stock....but woke us up too....
Oh- so is that how he lost his leg?
No- said the farmer....."I'll tell ya sonny....when you have a pig THAT special............you don't eat him all at once....."
On the way he meets the farmer and notices a 3 legged pig. He starts laughing. ......"Just what's so dadburn funny?"....asks the farmer. "Well- that pig...." Hold on there sonny-says the farmer. ....that's a very SPECIAL pig.....you don't know the story behind that pig........
The farmer continues. ......"One day I was plowing the back forty and the tractor flipped....pinning me under it.....I'd a surely died.....but that pig came and rooted me out.....
OH- Is that how he lost his leg? -queried the salesman.
"No-" continued the farmer. ..."But another time the barn caught fire and that pig not only rooted out an escape hole for the stock....but woke us up too....
Oh- so is that how he lost his leg?
No- said the farmer....."I'll tell ya sonny....when you have a pig THAT special............you don't eat him all at once....."
OzFab
Well-known member
A different travelling salesman is driving along a country road when he sees something shoot past him. He speeds up & follows the small object which eventually turns into a farm.
Noticing the farmer at the edge of a field, he stops to enquire about the object.
"That's one of our three legged chickens" says the farmer. "You see, there's me, my wife & my son & we all really like chicken drumsticks so, we bred a chicken with three legs so we can have one each."
"That's very interesting" says the salesman. "So, what do they taste like?"
The farmer replies "Dunno, we can't catch the dang thing..."
Noticing the farmer at the edge of a field, he stops to enquire about the object.
"That's one of our three legged chickens" says the farmer. "You see, there's me, my wife & my son & we all really like chicken drumsticks so, we bred a chicken with three legs so we can have one each."
"That's very interesting" says the salesman. "So, what do they taste like?"
The farmer replies "Dunno, we can't catch the dang thing..."
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
LOL- You wanna stay away from those 3 legged chicks.......
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
So 3 dumb blondes are stuck on an island when one finds a bottle and rubs it.A genie appears and says: you all know the deal .....3 wishes..but since there are 3 of you .....you get one each.....
So the first dumb blonde says: "I want to be smarter than these other dumb blondes and get off this island..."
The genie said "as you wish......" POOF! The blonde became a red head, jumped in the water and swam to the mainland.
The second dumb blonde says: "I want to smarter than her and get off this island! " The genie replied "As you wish...." POOF! The blonde became a brunette, jumped in the water and swam to the mainland.
The last dumb blonde says "I want to be smarter than both of them put together and I want to get off this island." The genie replies 'As you wish...."
POOF! The dumb blonde becomes a man and walks across the bridge to the mainland. .........
So the first dumb blonde says: "I want to be smarter than these other dumb blondes and get off this island..."
The genie said "as you wish......" POOF! The blonde became a red head, jumped in the water and swam to the mainland.
The second dumb blonde says: "I want to smarter than her and get off this island! " The genie replied "As you wish...." POOF! The blonde became a brunette, jumped in the water and swam to the mainland.
The last dumb blonde says "I want to be smarter than both of them put together and I want to get off this island." The genie replies 'As you wish...."
POOF! The dumb blonde becomes a man and walks across the bridge to the mainland. .........
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
A blind man walks in a bar and has a seat at the bar......The gentleman next to him engages him in small talk and after a few drinks the blind man decides to tell a joke.......
"So there is this dumb blonde. ..."he begins......The man stops him and says....."Before you say anything else.....let me tell you. ....your waitress is blonde, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. ....and there's a blonde cop sitting on the other side of you. ...."
So the blind man says " Well forget it then....it's hardly worth telling if I'm going to have to explain it four times. ..
"So there is this dumb blonde. ..."he begins......The man stops him and says....."Before you say anything else.....let me tell you. ....your waitress is blonde, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. ....and there's a blonde cop sitting on the other side of you. ...."
So the blind man says " Well forget it then....it's hardly worth telling if I'm going to have to explain it four times. ..
Felineman
Death by misfortune
OUCH on the last one, and you know cops have no sense of humour.
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
Oh contraire. ....my best friend for years worked everything from narcotics to homicide......and he had the best sense of humor. .......
Cops are just people. ....
firemanjim
Just kartin' around....
A thong is like a barbed wire fence...... It keeps out the unwanted, but don't obstruct the view....... 
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
A baby seal walks into a club.......
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
Speaking of barbed wire. .....
A rancher in Texas gets a visit from a Federal agent who wants to inspect his land for illegally grown marijuana. The farmer/rancher agrees but says: "You can go anywhere you like. ....just stay out of the pasture on the other side of this fence.
The Federal agent reaches in his pocket and produces a badge. "You see this badge?....." He continues. ...." It gives me the authority to go anywhere I please on your property. ...."
So the fed hops the fence and heads across the pasture. ....a few minutes later he is running for his life and screaming for help.....being chased by a very large bull.....
The farmer calls out: "Quick! ...Show him your badge!"
A rancher in Texas gets a visit from a Federal agent who wants to inspect his land for illegally grown marijuana. The farmer/rancher agrees but says: "You can go anywhere you like. ....just stay out of the pasture on the other side of this fence.
The Federal agent reaches in his pocket and produces a badge. "You see this badge?....." He continues. ...." It gives me the authority to go anywhere I please on your property. ...."
So the fed hops the fence and heads across the pasture. ....a few minutes later he is running for his life and screaming for help.....being chased by a very large bull.....
The farmer calls out: "Quick! ...Show him your badge!"
Felineman
Death by misfortune
LMFAO I don't think the badge is gonna help him
Poboy kartman
Senior Moments Member
A sergeant adresses a group of rookie paratroopers: " Men- we will be taken up to 10, 000 feet at which point you will exit the plane. The landing area id a soft field with no rocks. There will be a transport truck that will pick you up and take you back to base."
The sergeant continues: " Now it is important that you count slowly to 10 before deploying your chute. Should anything go wrong. ....ditch the main chute and release the back-up belly chute......See you back at the base.
So one of the new recruits exits the plane and accidentally pulls the ripcord on his main chute immediately. .......It quickly becomes a useless twisted mess......panicking. ....he pulls the reserve....which now entangles with the main........
As he's plummeting helplessly to earth he says to no one in paticular......"Ain't this a beoch......and I bet we have to walk back to camp.......
The sergeant continues: " Now it is important that you count slowly to 10 before deploying your chute. Should anything go wrong. ....ditch the main chute and release the back-up belly chute......See you back at the base.
So one of the new recruits exits the plane and accidentally pulls the ripcord on his main chute immediately. .......It quickly becomes a useless twisted mess......panicking. ....he pulls the reserve....which now entangles with the main........
As he's plummeting helplessly to earth he says to no one in paticular......"Ain't this a beoch......and I bet we have to walk back to camp.......
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