Russ2251
AZUSA:Powered by LAWN-BOY
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
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OFF TOPIC fun forum - NO politics - NO religion - NO jerks. It's not complicated. Thanks!
Jokes :D
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Cam
Nz Petrolhead
ooo douglas, get a perm
Orange Krate
Active member
Have you ever heard a Cummins throw a rod? Listen to a powerstroke!
Orange Krate
Active member
It got so cold n Dallas last month I saw three gangsters with their pants pulled up!
B.M.800
TheBeal.
NICE!
kindof a funny quote, atleast for some...
"HEMI: (HEM -e) adj. Mopar in type, V8, native to the United States, carnivorous, eats primarily Mustangs, Camaros and Corvettes. Also enjoys smoking a good import now and then to relax."
-David Charles Gedraitis
being a Dodge guy, I love it!
KieranM
Doin It!!
How does Moses make tea?
Hebrews it
hahahaha
Hebrews it
hahahaha
Hey, I've got no experience with either. I was just saying that because we were in the provocative car jokes phase. I have friends who argue this and they're all 17.
Any one with a great uncles nephew's aunts father who owns either a cummins or power stroke in my school ARGUES 24/7 IT GETS OLD AFTER THE FIRST DAY THIS FREAKING ARGUMENT
devino246
Official DIYGK Chem Nerd
Great grandfather?
Well, let's see. Your great uncle's nephew would be one of your parent's siblings (your uncle). Your uncle's aunt would be one of his parent's siblings (your great aunt). Your great aunt's father would be the parent of your grandparents. So, yes, your great grandfather.
I'm done thinking for tonight.
I'm done thinking for tonight.
Nick
New member
This ones kinda bad but...
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their greatest hit was the wall.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their greatest hit was the wall.
Russ2251
AZUSA:Powered by LAWN-BOY
What do I do if I find an egg in my shoe?
BEAT IT!!!
BEAT IT!!!
maxpower49
Member
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
The telephone repairman found:
1.The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2.The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4.After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5.The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
The telephone repairman found:
1.The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2.The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3.The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4.After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5.The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
Orange Krate
Active member
THIS is for hanging on to the railing
drscope
New member
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This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal
when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he
"hadn't seen his thing in 15 years".
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and
wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color
is it now?"
.................
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her "but in just a
week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.
...................
when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he
"hadn't seen his thing in 15 years".
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and
wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color
is it now?"
.................
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her "but in just a
week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.
...................
tatakart
New member
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
fowler
New member
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland, Australia...
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. By this time all other patrons had left the carpark. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station - this breathalyser equipment is faulty."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. By this time all other patrons had left the carpark. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station - this breathalyser equipment is faulty."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
fowler
New member
A lady pregnant with triplets was an unfortunate victim of armed robbery where she was sprayed with gunfire. She survived and miracously so did all three babies. Years passed and one day one of her 12 year old daughters came out from the toilet crying. "Mum, mum, i was having a little piddle and a bullet came out!" The mother calmed her down and told her what had happened when she was pregnant. Next day the second daugher came out from the toilet crying. "Mum, mum, i was having a little piddle and a bullet came out!" Agian, the mother calmed her down and told her the story. Next day her last child, her son, came screaming out of the toilet, tears pouring down his face. "It's alright son, I know whats wrong"said mother. "You were having a little piddle and a bullet came out." "No, no" he cried. "I was having a fiddle and shot the cat!"
B man
Tecumseh FTW!
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy says "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy says "I have the gayest voice in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing,I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry "Who the **** is JUSTIN BEIBER!?"
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy says "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy says "I have the gayest voice in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing,I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry "Who the **** is JUSTIN BEIBER!?"
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