Jokes :D

[CriticalMass]

An old man decided one day he was going to splurge and buy his wife some expensive racy negligée. He goes to the local boutique and picks out a set of lingerie that is little more then see through tissue paper. In fact it's practically invisible. It's expensive but he said he was going to spoil her.

Returning home from her day at work the wife sees her husband at the front door with a package. He kisses her hello and gives her the present, and asks her to try it on for him.

The wife goes up stairs and opens the package and gasps! She has never worn such a racy outfit. Seeing as it was nearly invisible, she hatched a plan and decided to return the lingerie back to the store and get the refund. She knows her husband has poor eyesight and he will never know the difference!

So she walked to the balcony above the living room completely naked and beckoned for her husband to come see it. Upon hearing his wife the man walked into the living room and gazed upon his wife.

The wife asked if he was pleased with the display. The man looked again and scowled!

Then he blurted out "with how much that thing cost the least they could do was iron it!"

 

[B man]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[devino246]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Rustydog2010]

I'll bring a Maori joke.

Rangi was standing on the door step watching Tama collecting the rubbish.
As Tama went by he yells out to Rangi
“Hey bro where’s you bin”??
Rangi replies, “I bin in Australia”
“NO” replies Tama “where’s your wheelie bin”?
“Oh I wheelie bin in jail, but I like to tell people I bin in Australia.”

Jeremy.

 

[redsox985]

Ok, so a guy walks into a shrinks office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Upon seeing him, the shrink says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Two fish are in a tank and one looks at the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown and the one looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Umm, buddy, you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate says, "AARGH, it's been driving me nuts all day!"

 

[B man]

Ok, so a guy walks into a shrinks office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Upon seeing him, the shrink says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Two fish are in a tank and one looks at the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown and the one looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Umm, buddy, you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate says, "AARGH, it's been driving me nuts all day!"

Hilarius!

 

[Russ2251]

A bunch of cannibals are eating dinner.
One of them suddenly jumps up and says "I hate my mother in law!!!"

Another cannibal says "Why don't you try the peas and carrots?"

 

[Abel]

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

-To not get their nuts wet. ha-ha thank you south park

 

[Abel]

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

-To not get their nuts wet. ha-ha thank you south park

 

[landuse]

Heres an old one:

A horse walks into the bar, and the barman says, hey, why the long face.....

 

[KieranM]

Global warming..

 

[Russ2251]

Al Gore..

 

[CriticalMass]

Greatest joke of all time this global warming....

 

[freakboy]

Ill add a political joke. Obama doing something.

 

[redsox985]

Did you know that WOMAN spelled backwards is SANDWICH?

 

[KieranM]

Toyota...there that should offend someone

 

[Rustydog2010]

Ford, now that will offend someone. lol

Jeremy.

 

[freakboy]

i see what rusty dog is doing hes using sarcasim

 

[Russ2251]

My wife is so cold that when we make love,
the oil burner goes on.

 

[B.M.800]

Ford, now that will offend someone. lol

Jeremy.

Found on road dead... most likely run over by a (fill in the blank) and then backed over and then burned out on for maximum manglement...