Ocd, if it must be mixed in with a bunch of other ****, is (or rather has been to me) a Godsend. No normal person with a 9-5 is texting this late. Granted, I'm laid off; but 2:00a would not be unheard of on a weeknight where I have to get up at 7a and be at work by 8a.
This is where my mania manifests itself most prevalently. It's strongly tied together. Doctors (and I've seen many) all believe that controling your sleep is thus a key to creating emotional stability. Easier said than done. There's a dragon in that cave, and you must walk into the cave to close the door. Easy peasy!
So the biggest stain at any given job I've ever had is coming in late (by the way, this time around, the layoff has been just that, slowing of work; not because of my lateness). Here's where the OCD has saved my *** throught my career. I cannot help but to be thorough. I honestly believe that this pursuit of perfection is in respect to my good name. That my work is my signature. It's uplifting, and I work hard at protecting that.
The truth is, I could not help but to work so ****ed slow when I started doing electrical work, because I COULDN'T save time; everything had to be just so. My work was beautiful. Everything just clean and so. This unhealthy strong "fear of God" (I use God here as a hope for understanding) demanding that things be this way.
Over the years, of course I've gotten faster and more efficient; and I've learned through time to let some things go. Now I move along in my career with the attitude that where I lack in one area, I will be exceedingly better in others. Or more accurately, where I may come in an hour late, bet that I will complete todays work twice as fast as anyone else; and guarantee no returns due to my work.
These are all things we must live with. Without being a drinker, I understand what recovered alcoholics mean when they say "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic". Even when it doesn't effect our daily lives, it's always there. I don't try to change that, and I don't try to cope. Worrying is not worthy of my time. I simply enjoy the times when I'm level; and work to pick up the pieces when I'm not. I don't have time to reflect and think "what have I done", that's a submissive attitude; and screw that, it doesn't own me. I'll take responsibility for my misdoings, and accountability for the outcome; but I won't question my actions like a mother scolds a child with the "do you know what you've done" BS. This isn't a movie; and if it was, it's a comedy, not a drama.
Maybe all of this can be tied up like this: I cope now, because I forgave myself a long time ago.
Now, anxiety attacks, I have no anwer for that. That's a traumatic, palpable, in-real-time problem that cannot be ignored in that moment. I've had just a handful of attacks in my life, and it's life threatening. I've gone without medication for my bi-polar dissorder before, I've done it for the past year and half while with this employer who doesn't offer me insurance; and by past accounts, I'm doing pretty well. But anxiey attacks must be dealt with via prescription medication. This is beyond the mental and emotional, and into the physical. Maybe there are techniques to help calm those episodes, I don't know; but it must be dealt with via medication.
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