Looking for a little advice with relationships

[Badot]

Hey guys. Probably something a little strange for this forum, but to be perfectly honest I'm pretty sure I've seen more caring people here than what seems like just about anywhere else online. I also think it'll be interesting getting thoughts from people of all ages. Short book incoming.

Anyways -- I lost a girl I really cared about recently. Completely my fault. Same way as another one I also really liked. I figured it's time I tried to get some help.

Basically, I'm the type of person who can get upset a little easily... and if something is upsetting me I go to my significant other to talk about it because she tends to be the best at making me feel better. Sounds reasonable, right? Anyways, the problem comes in when I want to talk to them regarding something important to me... feelings, etc.

When I have something important to me on my mind it stresses me out a lot so I try dealing with as fast as possible, so if my SO is busy I get antsy and impatient. Then I push too hard, or start being a D-word. I've always been good at getting under peoples' skin, and that's not a good thing. She gets upset with me, I'm still antsy and impatient, the whole things just falls apart, and that's that.

I guess I see it mainly as an issue of self-control, but I haven't really found a way to help myself. I honestly feel like it's something I need practice with, but I'm not sure how to go about that in a way that doesn't potentially involve acting up towards someone I care about, because it's something I never want to do again.

Maybe it's a little unfair to expect my SO to take care of me emotionally, but at the same time I feel like the emotional connection is the best part of a relationship. I think I need to open up a little more to people in general though... I'll just need to force myself through the awkwardness I guess.

Anyways... I'd appreciate your guys' thoughts on all this if you have any. I'm all ears.

This has been a brief look into the f'd up mind of yours truly. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

 

[itsid]

Sounds like you know the issue already..
that's a very good start.
work on that...

it's not that hard at all once you know what a problem is.
I know how it is, when your mind gets stuck in some sort of malicious code loop.
(excuse the code monkey babble )
You need to find a way to break such loops, can be an easy task
like asking her for a DATE to talk about it, make an appointment in the near future to do so.
I know it sounds silly, especially if you see her on a aily basis.
But that will hopefully be just enough to break the loop, since your brain sees the decompression valve is within reach

If that doesn't work, or worse you've got stood up...
then you need to find a different brain cooler.
Everything that offers distraction should do, if it asks for your full attention even better.
A demanding computer game for example (nothing too aggressive though, we don't want to fuel a fire )

Anything you have that you really enjoy doing and that keeps your brain busy,
in a very different direction, should work..
Try it on small 'problems' first, step up as you go...
it's the repetition that will remove the unwanted behaviour you talk about.

Oh and it's important in a relationship that emotions are taken care of of course;
BUT not only your's; your SO also has emotions, as important as your's.
So you do not have a RIGHT to bother her with your problems, you could only ask for her to listen.

'sid

 

[crazykart]

Just remember, that just because it is your SO does not mean that they have to drop everything and cater to your feelings all the time. It gets frustrating doing that, I know, and I'm not trying to be hard on you.

Talking about feelings is great, but there is a time and place, and that is not all the time or every place. I myself used to be one that would hold all of my feelings in until I imploded... on the opposite spectrum seems to be you my friend. You have to find a happy medium.

Set aside one night a week as a date night for just you two, and one night as an in night for both of you to just discuss your emotions, cuddle, and be loving.

First address yourself above all. If you're going to your SO for every little problem...that's not healthy for either of you. You may not realize the strain that puts on your partner, but that strain is huge. On top of that you let it boil because you have no other outlet... and then it explodes in their face...

Put yourself in their shoes, would you enjoy that, or feel burdened with not only your stresses, but your partners stresses as well?

You have to find another outlet, or just learn to let things go. It's really not worth holding in every frustrating thing until it boils over.

 

[Badot]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I've been working on the 'outlet' thing so to speak. I tend to flip around with my hobbies unfortunately, so I never seem to have one 'go to' thing. It's kind of upsetting looking around at all my nice toy collections and realizing I don't use them nearly enough. Maybe I should try and find some clubs or something around here.

 

[OzFab]

What you're describing sounds like a typical case of anxiety, although there are other issues there too; first step, see your doctor; if you're not happy about taking medications, there are natural supplements which can help, camomile tea is just one example; have a look at this website for some ideas...

The next thing to remember is (& I apologise if this sounds harsh) no woman in any relationship wants to feel like they are the stronger of the two of you, nor do they want to feel like they are your mother; to them, these feelings are a good reason to walk... or, in some cases, run...

Unfotunately, for those reasons, maybe a relationship is not what you need right now; you need to concentrate on fixing your problems so they don't become someone elses problems...

As for having dozens of projects all going at the same time, I hear ya, LOUD & CLEAR! I'm exactly the same, I can't concentrate on one thing for any great length of time so, a project that should only take a few weeks ends up taking a few years! I still have projects I started three or four years ago that haven't been touched in so long because other "more important" projects come along; the end result is NOTHING ever gets finished (I'm still amazed I finished my go kart; does anyone realise how difficult that was for me?)...

Over the past year or so, I've tried to break that cycle & concentrate on only one thing at a time; I'm not saying it's easy, nor have I succeeded but, I'm getting there...

The key is to choose the most important/urgent project & focus only on that while always having a "back up" ready to go; that way, if you hit a snag with the first one (waiting for parts, money, outside work needed), the next one is ready to go... & so on; once you work out the snag on the first project, GO BACK TO IT, don't let it sit, that's the priority!

Once you finish something, the sense of pride that you finished it will cause an increase in Serotonin levels (the brains "happy" enzyme) & will be your driving force to complete others...

 

[Poboy kartman]

I always finish what I

 

[MadManAndrew]

I used to struggle with similar things. Just breathe was my key. When you're about to get upset, stop, breathe, and ask yourself, "What will happen if I don't get upset and what will happen if I do?" Usually by the time you've thought about you've calmed down anyway. I know it sounds stupid but it worked me.

 

[itsid]

I always finish what I

Thanks buddy, that propelled some coffe up my nose ...

'sid

 

[landuse]

I always finish what I

I never finish anyth

 

[J_Walker]

If your girl can't stand by you because of how you are. she's the wrong girl.

you may still care/have feelings about her, that's okay. but its over and you have to learn and improve and really not try to rush into another relationship just because you feel stuck. and may think differently then what I had said. but honestly if you look deep enough you will notice that it's sorta true...

also if anything is really bad, bad enough you don't wanna crawl out of bed or can't fall asleep, I'm sure you can post about it here as long as its forum safe [you know.. no sexy time stuff or tons of cursing as we ALL know.] think we all will read and reply fairly quickly. not the most active forum but active enough.

for the most part, most of our members who reply to the off topic section can be mature enough about any problems you may have and maybe offer some helpful advice.

I personally don't see myself as one and have my own set of issues so I don't feel as I'm in a place to give life lessons. just we're here.

 

[Badot]

I personally don't see myself as one and have my own set of issues so I don't feel as I'm in a place to give life lessons. just we're here.

Ah, see, I've found a lot of times that it's the slightly insane people that have the most profound thoughts because they see the world through slightly different eyes. Or maybe it's everyone else that's a little crazy. Who's to say?


Maybe my actions weren't as harsh as I make them out to be -- I tend to be fairly self-critical and a bit of a perfectionist. I still messed up but I didn't do anything crazy. No blowing phones up, cussing, calling names... yada yada yada. I'd still like to work on it though.

My current thoughts on it are that I didn't do anything to warrant an 'instant' breakup like it was... never heard about a single issue from her until it was over, but again, I could have handled the situation better too. So yeah -- she's probably not the right one for me. Still upset and all "woe is me" over it though.

Anxiety doesn't sound too far off to be honest. I've felt a bit of a need to go to a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever at least a couple of sessions to see if everything's normal up there but my parents don't see it the same way (I'm over 18 but still a dependent... doesn't make financial sense for me to move out/get kicked out yet) I've also been trying to work out some recently which seems to help but haven't been able to turn it into a habit so it feels like I have to force myself to do it.

Anyways, bedtime for me. I appreciate the help guys.

 

[OzFab]

Ah, see, I've found a lot of times that it's the slightly insane people that have the most profound thoughts because they see the world through slightly different eyes. Or maybe it's everyone else that's a little crazy. Who's to say?

"There's a fine line between genius & insanity"...

Still upset and all "woe is me" over it though.

As you would be; we already know you're not void of enotion; thinking "she wasn't the one for me" will make it easier...

Anxiety doesn't sound too far off to be honest. I've felt a bit of a need to go to a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever at least a couple of sessions to see if everything's normal up there but my parents don't see it the same way

Somehow, without doing anything crazy, you need to convince them that there is an issue that needs attention; if you take the necessary steps forward (see your GP, arrange to see a psych), they may realise you're serious...

(I'm over 18 but still a dependent... doesn't make financial sense for me to move out/get kicked out yet)

It wouldn't make psychological sense either; with everything else you have going on, dealing with the stresses of the real world is the last thing you need...

I've also been trying to work out some recently which seems to help but haven't been able to turn it into a habit so it feels like I have to force myself to do it.

Routine is never a bad thing, it helps stablise the mind...

If it feels forced, you probably won't get much out of it, it will feel more like a chore than a helpful remedy; try walking; I don't mean on a treadmill or a 2 minute walk around the block, I mean a long walk, at least 30 minutes every day; it's believed that walking stimulates Serotonin, which helps with depression &, it wouldn't be a stretch to assume you're at least a bit depressed right now...

Walking also helps relax the mind because, while you're walking, you tend to pay attention to your surroundings & not your problems...

Just in case anyone was wondering, I have suffered with depression & anxiety for decades & have done lots of research into both conditions; no, I'm not trying to make this about me, simply stating that my words come from experience...

 

[crazykart]

As far as getting your mind off of things, and working through them, this right here will help wonders. Just write, weather youre writing here, or just writing all of your thoughts down for no other reason then to get them out, just write.

Ive done the whole depression dance myself for a pretty long time, and I know it helps me, weather read or just trashed afterwards. Usually I go back and reread though so that I can actually see what I was thinking, and see the flaws in the bad thoughts.

We're an odd bunch of insain genuises here, but we're all mostly friends, kinda, maybe, but anyways we'll help if we can. And if not you can sit back with us and poke fun at each other (the poboy, poke the poboy with a stick, then RUN!)

 

[chancer]

I dont know why, But I have done what Crazy just suggested. Write down your thoughts and feelings. I dont know why but I can say from experience it does work.
and another thing you are still pretty young it sounds like, This may be normal.

 

[Poboy kartman]

I dont know why, But I have done what Crazy just suggested. Write down your thoughts and feelings. I dont know why but I can say from experience it does work.
and another thing you are still pretty young it sounds like, This may be normal.

Oh....cool!!!! All I need to do is wait a couple of years and I'll be fine....

 

[chancer]

Oh....cool!!!! All I need to do is wait a couple of years and I'll be fine....

Ahhh... NO. Sorry Doug at this point it too late for you. I mean the therapists need a therapist after meeting you.

 

[crazykart]

You mean they need a bottle of whiskey and game of russian roulette with a 9mm?

 

[Poboy kartman]

Hmmmmm.....I always wondered why my therapists had a shorter life expectancy than Niagara Falls barrel racers.....

But....this is how I keep my sanity.....by being insane here....that's why I created the "How was your day Honey" thread.....so other members and I could vent HERE ....instead of to their SOs.....

 

[crazykart]

And that is a great carnival in itself lol.

Give it a try Badot, be suprised how good it feels yo just rant.

 

[Badot]

So I figured something nice out -- I like working out a lot more if I'm wearing gloves... doesn't hurt the hands as much so I can actually tire myself out. I didn't realize my hands were what was making me want to stop before. So let's see if that helps.

Sometimes I do write to gather my thoughts but it doesn't really help my analyze things at all. Just makes it a little more cohesive when I share them.

Fabroman, my doctor has actually recommended that I see some form of therapist. Given me the card to the local place as well. No dice.

Maybe I'll try posting in the "How was your day" thread, even if it's not really something of much purpose... so my posts will fit in lol.