Fore! Score and two gokarts ago...

[Poboy kartman]

Thought this might be fun. A thread where we can give our best shots at leaving a quote for all time.
I'll start: If being a smartazz paid anything at all-I'd be rich. -Doug.

This outta give ya tha idea, and stuffy shirts need not apply.

 

[mckutzy]

A common one....

Strike when the iron is hot

 

[Doc Sprocket]

A few of my own (original) favourites:

Theory and practise are two very different things.
Where there's a will, there's a dead relative.
Put down the wrench, and come out with your hands up!
You have the right to remain wrong...
There's too much blood in my caffeine stream.
Merry Winchmas and Happy New Gears!

 

[Poboy kartman]

A few of my own (original) favourites:

Theory and practise are two very different things.
Where there's a will, there's a dead relative.
Put down the wrench, and come out with your hands up!
You have the right to remain wrong...
There's too much blood in my caffeine stream.
Merry Winchmas and Happy New Gears!

You own me a new set of underpants, I got halfway through then laughed so hard I messed mine.

Heres something I just noticed while posting this. Why is it always a set of underwear, a pair of pants/drawers/briefs...am I the only one who wears these one at a time?

 

[itsid]

you really wanna know?

'sid

 

[Poboy kartman]

BTW-I do plan on posting some of mine-but. ..I was just thinking-this would have to be the most famous quote that was probably never uttered:
"Why do you want to make a big deal out of this, just admit I'm right and save us both a lot of time."-EVERYBODY'S Wife.

 

[Poboy kartman]

I always know what size a bolt is-it's the size of the only missing socket in my set.-Doug

 

[OzFab]

My all time favourite, one for all occasions & my personal mantra:

When you least expect it, expect it!​

 

[Poboy kartman]

That's close but- "When you least expect it, you're elected, you're on Candid Camera. "
Old American TV show where hidden cameras filmed people put it staged situations. One example-a guy at a bank-natural impulse-get in the shortest line-right? Well that line never moved, while the long line next to him cleared out to 2 people. So when he got in that line....you get the picture. First show of its kind.
Anyway, that was the theme song.

 

[OzFab]

That's a staged situation? Sounds like the story of my life but, we're getting into Murphy territory there...

Another favourite of mine is Occams Razor: "The simplest explanation is often the correct one..."

 

[Poboy kartman]

That's a staged situation? Sounds like the story of my life but, we're getting into Murphy territory there...

Another favourite of mine is Occams Razor: "The simplest explanation is often the correct one..."

It IS the story of my life. The old blues song says it best:"If it wasn't for bad luck, if it wasn't for real bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all. "
True story: I was playing the Texas Lottery when it was only 5 numbers. 3 matching numbers paid $3-all of course millions.
I had bought a "Quick pick"(where the computer picks for you).All the numbers were in the 40's- (41, 43,...) you get the picture.
I saw the drawing and all the numbers were in the 40's.Needless to say, I got very excited, but my ticket was at home and I wasn't.
When I checked the numbers-I didn't even have 3!!!!!!! What are THOSE odds?
Anyway, next time some stranger asks you how you are doing, say this instead of "I'm doing great" and see how much they really want to know and their top speed (as they try to get away from you)-
"I'm on a bridge and I'm a half step away from either stepping off or living under it- how are you? "-Doug

 

[OzFab]

It IS the story of my life. The old blues song says it best:"If it wasn't for bad luck, if it wasn't for real bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all. "

I hear ya brother...

True story: I was playing the Texas Lottery when it was only 5 numbers. 3 matching numbers paid $3-all of course millions.
I had bought a "Quick pick"(where the computer picks for you).All the numbers were in the 40's- (41, 43,...) you get the picture.
I saw the drawing and all the numbers were in the 40's.Needless to say, I got very excited, but my ticket was at home and I wasn't.
When I checked the numbers-I didn't even have 3!!!!!!! What are THOSE odds?

Probably higher than actually winning the big one

Anyway, next time some stranger asks you how you are doing, say this instead of "I'm doing great" and see how much they really want to know and their top speed (as they try to get away from you)-
"I'm on a bridge and I'm a half step away from either stepping off or living under it- how are you? "-Doug

I often reply "Up to s#!t but thanks for asking"; that usually stops them in their tracks... I once had a checkout chick respond to that with "Oh, that's good." Yeah, you were paying attention, weren't you... :toetap05:

 

[Poboy kartman]

My favorite-never tried it-but could possibly get the same response:

Kurt Russel to Val Kilmer in Tombstone-Wyatt:"How you doing Doc?"
Holiday: "I'm dying, how are you?"

 

[Poboy kartman]

I was just sitting here surfing with the TV on when I heard Ft. Worth so it got my attention. Then I heard Tim Love. Now they really have my attention.Even though I have never been to any of his many local restaurants he is a world-class chef and our local version of Bobby Flay.
So he is explaining (national show BTW) how you should always have your meat at room temperature before you put it on the grill because meat has energy and the temperature change shocks it.
Anyway the black woman next to him looses it because her mind is in the gutter.
Tim doesn't miss a beat- "Oh just wait honey-later on I'm going to let you rub my meat."
Typical Texan. ....
Tickled my funny bone and just posted here out of pure laziness (I'm sure that there is a more appropriate thread-but WTH).

 

[machinist@large]

When a bank teller, deli clerk, gas station attendant asks if you need anything else, get this manic hopeful expression on your face (w/ body language to match), and say "Winning lottery #'s? But they have to be winners, and BEFORE the drawing."

Another good one I like is when the UPS/FEDEX/ steel company driver etc, asks for my signature, I'll flip back with "real name, or most commonly used alias?" I had a UPS driver snatch his electronic pad back and storm off looking for someone else to sign for the package once.....

 

[Poboy kartman]

My finest hour-( and dadgum funny-if I say so myself).I was working in a lakeside gated community. The homes were in the $750, 000 range.
An Fed-Ex driver didn't know if he had the right address. You know-was it Lakeshore dr, Lakeshore view, Lakeshore ct.....you get the idea. The name didn't help because it wasn't the builder's.

So while we're trying to sort it out the guy makes an off the cuff statement.Technically a question but-

Man! What do you have to do to earn enough money to live in a place like this? Without missing a beat I said"IDK- but the guy next door is a driver for UPS."